the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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