2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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