I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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