I will die if light touches me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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