just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
