there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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