Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
