i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I deserve to be covered in dicks
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
