She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
