dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
