dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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