in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize