My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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