I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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