I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You pole danced in your parka.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
