god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
