I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
