Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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