Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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