Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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