her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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