she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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