Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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