Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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