I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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