end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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