I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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