dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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