She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just googled if crying burns calories
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
