I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
