I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
