Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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