Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
