dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
