Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
