I wish life had little blips of pornography
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
