she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
