I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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