so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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