Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
