My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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