I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
