first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
