i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
