I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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