Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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