I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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