oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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