no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
