just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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