I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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