Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What happened to fro yo and sex?
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