If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
