Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
