he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
high people should be assigned attendants
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
