I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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