how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
