I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
