i don't plan on having that self control this summer
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
