I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
