I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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