is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
