fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
