She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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