Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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