I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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