First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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