Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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