My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
